dangerous cycle

I came to a realization today. I am becoming toxic with negative energy. I berate and threaten to get my way and instead of talking, I let my emotions win and I do things that I know I will regret later on. I have become violent which in turn would mean losing everything dear to me. I came to this realization when I felt I lost everything.
I decided I am going to seek help. My mental state of mind is in danger and I am to prideful to go get help. This stops now. I’ve seen this growing up, realized I’m doing the same thing, and want to break the cycle for the love that I have for my son. I don’t want him thinking that this is normal. I want him to see what two loving parents are. I want him to see this world in a positive form of mind even though this world is severely messed up. I want him to be compassionate, caring person. And I see that now, that I’m not it. I will sell everything I own if it meant that I can be healthy for my son and the people that surround me. I love my son and just for you I am doing this.
I have been battling depression, anger, and self doubt. That has always been my constant battle since I can remember. I remember the negative things, but i can’t remember anything positive. I put all my energy in looking at myself in a horrible way that I put myself down. My son can see that and I don’t want him to. I have called to make an appointment and I want to make sure I get better. I’m done with this cycle. I’m done with being negative. I learned this cycle early on in my life and I have decided to stop it. I have called to make an appointment. I am no longer scared of getting help.

Advertisements

Black Hole

I’m in a black hole right now. My worst fears are coming to life and I don’t know how strong I can be. My life is turned upside down and you don’t care. I cry and cry and pray and pray but nothing is being received. How far did this go? How much did we lose of ourselves? When was the last time we went down memory lane? We have forgotten our past which led to a disaster that has come to fruition. I have no more fight left in me. I feel like I can’t go on anymore. The only reason my life is worth anything is because of my son. I have felt like a failure and a nobody more now than I have ever felt in my life. In my mind, I wonder if I am ever good enough. Karma has really brought the worst it can ever bring and I’m going to surrender to it. I now know I am not built for happiness. I knew this was too good to be true. I’m drowning but you can’t see that. I put a face up that makes it look like i’m fine but in the inside I am screaming. I’m in agonizing pain and I want it to just be over. My only accomplishment in life is the innocent life i have brought to this world. I’m wondering if he would miss me if I’m gone. I think he deserves a better mom than me. I’m a nobody. I’m a complete nobody. No one will love me. My son does, but he is programmed to love me. I feel so alone. So alone. I wonder if I can make it, feeling like this. I want to disappear now. Bye bye.
This is a cry for help from people that don’t even know. I’ve battled depression since I can remember. I have been groped from trusted people. I’ve escaped the sexual assaults luckily. I don’t love myself. Never have. I always thought of myself as an ugly duckling that never molted to a beautiful swan. I’m done. I’m finished. I’m not going to try anymore. Haven’t eaten well in almost a week. Wondering if I slowly torture the inevitable. I feel like this is what suits me. I’m dizzy now. I rarely eat. I force a smile now. I’m back to square one.

Siblings: Intro

I will talk about my siblings but in order to keep them private, I will call them by their nickname. I’m the eldest of the three. If you’re latino, you know what this means. (Seriously I felt like I didn’t really have a childhood on top of being a preacher’s daughter so guess how bad it got after siblings.)My sister is the middle child. We call her Mimi or Mims. The last one is my baby brother and we call him Wawa.
Mims was always shy at first. She hated going up front in church, and having to socialize with grown ups. All she wanted to do is to play with kids and just be a kid. My brother has down syndrome. I have heard a lot of criticism about it and at one point my mom actually thought God was punishing her for wanting a boy since I was born. This wasn’t her own thought. You see when you are a family of a Pastor, people are so manipulative and put a grain of thought in your mind and it makes it seem like its your own.
Back to my siblings. When I was a little kid, I didn’t know much about having siblings. What my mom told me, I at first didn’t get along with my sister. We are 18 months apart and I didn’t like to share the attention. I did manage to get along with her but when my brother was born, I felt something was different. He came early so he was at the hospital most and my parents had to switch so they can go visit him. When he came home, my mom and dad sat us down and told us that God sent a special angel that will be a little different but that’s because he was given a gift to speak to angels. I thought it was so cool but later on I found out of his special needs.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my brother, but it was difficult to see other people giving us the side eye. When he was young, he liked being naked and ran off to go outside to pee in the yard and try to lay down on the road. Luckily he grew out of that and calmed down at 12 years old. I love my brother with all my heart and soul but some people can be so cruel. He is a lovable character but I have seen kids throw stuff at him and at one point they ganged up on him so they can throw him in the trash. (commercial trash mind you.) So you can guess it, I had a lot of anger management. I had to really know how to calm myself.
My sister was a different story. Since she was 5 years old, she wanted to become a doctor. She actually planned to enter the military so she could become a doctor. I was always her patient and she always had a great time. Now believe me when I say I believe in miracles. My sister and I were playing “mechanic doctor” when I heard her scream in pain. I will never forget that scream. It will always haunt me and I was in a panic. My mom and dad called the ambulance and got my brother and I ready. Turns out one she had so much blood in the muscles of one of her legs, that it made it curve flamingo style. She was in the hospital for months and the doctors couldn’t figure out why but was told it would be a miracle to walk. This was horrifying news to my parents and they prayed. They prayed and that’s when my dad promised to preach the word of God in exchange for my sister’s health. That was a big step for him. So we went to a service held at a stadium with a famous pastor Yiye Avila. My sister was just given the ok to go home. My parents decided to take her up with all their faith to God. Pastor Yiye told my dad to drop my sis down and in front of my eyes, I saw her walking. If that’s not a miracle well I don’t know what to tell you. So now she is a navy veteran, almost graduating for neuro science. She is a complete badass and she is the godmother to my child. I have even expressed that if something were to happen to us, her husband and she will be in charge of my son.
I love my siblings. We have a weird dynamic which doesn’t work for many people but definitely works for us. We have been through a lot together and I wouldn’t have it any other way. So you will be hearing a lot about them but at least I wanted to introduce my siblings just to give a little background of who they are.

Growing up: Before being a preacher’s daughter.

I was born in South Central (Los Angeles, CA!). My parents came from El Salvador with nothing but their clothes on their back, escaping the guerilla war that what happening to their beloved country. They have told me that if they have not met each other, married, and had a child; they would have gone back to their country they loved. But they knew El Salvador was having a lot of turmoil and they came to the U.S to fine sanctuary and start their lives. Once they found out they were expecting me, they said goodbye to their country and made it their mission to have me get the best education America could provide.
Now I’m letting you know this because despite of what other people have you to believe, my parents came legally and had to struggle to learn basic English to get by in this country. I love America. I’m extremely lucky to never have to deal with hardships my parents dealt with. (If you’re curious how bad it was, I highly suggest you see Innocent Voices. It depicts some of what the war was about.) Yes we didn’t have much money, but not once did my dad and mom have to beg, and not once did I have an empty belly, or be cold, or homeless.
Now my parents are of christian faith. My mom was born into the faith where as my dad converted when he was 16 years old. Once he accepted God in his life, he decided to worship him through music. I have been lucky enough to grow up with my father doing what he loved and spending my time in recording studios with my dad and his partner (duo eden celestial) and that’s how I met one if not the only best girl friend I ever had and still talk to this day. (Her brother is my best guy friend.) Having my dad be a musician, we got to travel a lot which was usually a good thing but at times it wasn’t. We had moved from my hometown to Houston, TX. Dallas, TX. and Wheeler TX. Crete NE. and finally where I am now, Sioux City, IA. The only reason we moved so much is post preacher’s daughter time so I won’t go into too much detail to that.
Now, as I said before we moved a lot. But when we moved to Houston, it wasn’t out of whim. I later found out my mom was almost sexually assaulted by the pastor in California and if it wasn’t for her having me there as well as my sister, who knows what would have happened. My mom gave no explanation to my dad until decades later, but at that time, he loved her so much he uprooted everyone and we moved to an area we knew no one.
We moved first then my dad’s best friend and singing partner came along too. His son was born in 1993 then my brother a year later. We were inseparable kids and we loved being together in everything. If I ever had to reminisce on my memories, I can always count on seeing my bffs in all of them.
The whole moral of the “story” is that I grew up with the faith. I have always seen it to be true and even though people tell me I don’t know any better, I actually keep the faith. I’m not the same as I was as a kid and I grew a lot. But I wanted to show you just a glimpse of my childhood before my dad was called to preach. It was amazing, I got to travel and see my dad perform. I had my friends and siblings by my side. Nothing felt out of place. Now that you know the before, you’ll now get to see how slowly it changed and it made me the person who I am now.

Intro to my world: preacher’s daughter

I’m 28 years old and I still have to watch what I do. Being a preacher’s daughter is no easy task but there are just some things that I have to deal with. So why is it that I’m nervous but just want to go home and lay in my bed and watch netflix? It’s because I have anxiety that’s why. Growing up in the world of christianity, even though we preach the word of God about acceptance and love, you can see the pointy knife coming at you from members of the church. They speak about love and openness but once they find out I have tattoos and piercings in areas that should not have anything, I have become a social pariah. It’s as if they think I chose this life even though I was forced into it.
Don’t get me wrong my faith doesn’t waver. But I can’t have a mind of my own without it being criticized for not following the social norms of today. I’m sorry but I honestly don’t have the same mind as my parents and I can’t ready minds to know exactly what you want me to think about. I’m my own person and I hope to one day be able to have a freaking mind of my own without people tearing me down. I can’t even curse because I feel like if someone I know read this, they would immediately tell my parents.
How do you think I know they would do that? That is an excellent question and I have many examples as to how I know they would do that. 1. My friend had her quinceañera. My parents let me go to just eat and celebrate but didn’t want me to stay out to late since it has a dance. Well my sister and I stayed longer than we should have but we never saw a waltz before and we were curious. So we stayed and guess what happened? The next day I’m put on discipline because I saw a waltz. I didn’t do any dancing or anything that deemed horrible (in my eyes mind you) to be disciplined.
Disciplined, for those who don’t know what that is, it’s when someone is put in front of the board and deacons and they talk about what you have done wrong. You are not allowed to go up to the pulpit to do anything but are expected to come to church every single service, participate in offerings and tithing and show that you have repented. Even though I honestly didn’t think I did anything wrong.
So back to my story: My name is Rebecca. I’m 28 years old and have been a preacher’s daughter since I was 7 years old. Meaning I had a rough childhood growing up. Not the bad neighborhood getting shot at kind, but hypocrisy and just bullying within the church. Since 7 years old, I was told how to sit, socialize, act, and do. I couldn’t just go out to play with the kids from church, no. That’s not a proper thing to do. I couldn’t just climb trees because heaven forbid, they see the shorts I put underneath my dress. I was constantly told I was either too fat, too skinny or my hair was horrible since I have curly hair. I was always told about my flaws I was never told anything good.
At 7 years old, I heard Selena y los Dinos and that’s when I decided I wanted to sing. I told my family this but was told to say someone from the christian faith inspired me since Selena was technically non christian. So at my age, I started to sing more at church. I was at first told beautiful comments but quickly turned sour when I was being nit picked about my voice. Since then, I am so self conscious of my voice and even though I can carry a tune, I still beat myself up if I hear even a sour note.
So yes, this may be long and if you read the whole thing, thank you. But this is just the tip of the iceberg and I have much more to say about this.

Nails, Hair, and Makeup: Routines, designs, and products used everyday for tomboys and women alike